I like it really. This is all a lie. Apart from the procrastinator bit.

I am a life long procrastinator. I'm also too fucking funny to bother putting in one of those cute jokes about procrastination, you don't tell me what to do internet audience. And even if you DID, I wouldn't fucking bother doing it anyway. Where the hell was I?

I am a life long procrastinator. I generally don't like to do a lot of stuff, despite having a lot of ambition and a modicum of talent. Heh, sorry. "Modicum". Where was I?

I am a LIFE LONG procrastinator. I hate moving. I enjoy sitting. Imagine my annoyance then at the social construct of Christmas, and the giving and receiving of gifts. Cliff Richard only had it partly right: Christmas should be about snogging and getting pissed on Tesco Value wine. Don't get me wrong, I love getting people gifts, but for most of you idiots I just can't be arsed. You don't tell me what you want, you don't update your wish lists, you say "oh, I don't want anything" knowing full fucking well that that is a completely unacceptable thing to say in this gloriously capitalistic society of ours. I can't not get you anything, idiot, even if I wanted to. And goddamnit, I'm expecting something from YOU, so shut the fuck up and accept my chocolate Scrabble (Yes, that's a real thing).

Don't even get me started on the wrapping. The world is coming to an end, aren't we supposed to be conserving shit? Why am I wrapping something you won't want in expensive dead trees I don't need to kill? Do have any idea about the gases that are released into the atmosphere in the process of making sticky tape, the annoying shit I have to wrap YOUR annoying shit in? Look, I'm choosing not to take part in Christmas this year as a goddamn green favour to Mother Earth, it's not that I'm poor and can't be arsed to read your fucking mind and get you DVDs you'll hate and chocolate you won't eat.

Where the hell was I?

Basically, I'm lazy, and wish I could buy everything pre-wrapped in environmentally-friendly paper, delivered to your homes, with cards hand-written by blind Togolese children and delivered by a stork. Is that too much to ask from one website?

PS, this Christmas, I want booze and lots of it.